The Queen’s Quill

It’s December 1st, 2023, and here we are, standing strong amid the challenges we’ve faced. Nearly another year has passed, and as we navigate the final 30 days, it feels like time has sprinted in like a red-eye flight, leaving us in a whirlwind of experiences, memories, and emotions—a relentless cycle that often leaves us feeling like we’ve barely caught our breath.

Reflecting on the past year, it’s evident that it has been a year of profound loss and unyielding weight on our hearts. It’s the year where the circle of life hits closer to home, where the conversations among friends drift from shared aspirations to shared grief as we confront the reality of parents departing this world. How did we arrive at this juncture so swiftly, feeling the weight of sorrow, anger, and a world brimming with violence reflected in the very fabric of our social connections?

Yes, it’s December 1st, 2023, but some days, it feels surreal, as if the date on the calendar couldn’t possibly align with the persisting turmoil and heartache. The passage of time seems to have compressed a multitude of experiences, blurring the lines between moments, weaving a tapestry of memories that feel both distant and achingly recent.

Like every year, this one has brought a carousel of highs, lows, and the in-between moments that often go unnoticed. Amidst the chaos, as I drove home this evening, I found myself whispering, “WOW, God!” It’s been His unwavering strength that has lifted me each day, the countless blessings of divine connections, and the solace of prayers offered for me when my own words faltered in the storm of my personal struggles.

What remains undeniable is our resilience as a people, our unyielding capacity to endure. Yet, beneath the resilience lies an unmistakable weariness. Take a moment to ponder the weight of your own journey through this year, acknowledging the battles fought and the emotional toll they’ve exacted. As we approach the year’s end, let’s honor our resilience, acknowledge our weariness, and find solace in the bonds that sustain us as we stand together.

Oh, to be young and carefree. Tonight, as I pumped gas, I watched four male teens horseplay in the parking lot. A few moments later an SUV filled with teenage girls pulled up. Based on the sheer amount of noise I figured they’re all good friends. This scene instantly snapped me back to my hometown. I thought about the things that “stressed” me out during those tender years. If you know me then you know most of that anxiety came from wanting to be successful academically. Ironically enough I was voted most likely to succeed. Now I had some other worries but I won’t jump into those at the moment.

 It’s been 17 years since I was a teen like them. I have fond memories of Friday nights in a small town. 

When I tell people where I’m from they often ask how many traffic lights do we have. I proudly tell people that we have several and we even have a Walmart Super-center .

These days I can easily pinpoint the last time I’ve been to Eufaula. It is very rare that I’m in Eufaula more than a few hours at most. As I drive around memories flood my mind. When I pull into my grandmother’s yard part of me still expects her to be standing at the back door saying “Hey baby”. I think about family friends who would stop by during my younger years. Depending on who it was, my grandmother would entertain them in the living room.

 I can remember sitting on the front porch and people honking their horns and yelling a quick greeting. There were some weekends you didn’t know who might pass by on the “Bluff”. This was long before we had the ability to send a quick text to see if anyone was at home.

 I can also recall sitting on the front porch shelling peas. One particular night we stayed a bit longer than usual to help my grandmother shell peas. When we arrived home, we found someone had broken into our house. 

One thing about a small town, everyone knows everyone. People didn’t mind running through your family tree in the middle of the local Piggly Wiggly. At some point you hear “yeah I know your xyz”. A bonus would be if they explained how they know your relative or a nice embarrassing story from your childhood. I will never forget being in Walmart and bumping into a family friend. He told the friend that was with me that I would always be talking to myself when he came to visit. So much so that he often asked my mom if I had company. Pause. Before you try to come for me, I was an only child. In actuality I was refining my teaching skills at a young age! LOL

I can also recall being so ready to escape the small-town life. I wanted to go away and reinvent myself. Sorry, there’s no story about how I made a 180 from classified as the “smart girl”. Now I’m classified as the “Sunday school teacher”. To this day people bring up how on Senior Day at school my name was continuously called for scholarships. People joked I never sat down during the ceremony.

I applied for schools all across the Southeast in hopes of creating this amazing new life. The one school I wanted to attend the most took their sweet time mailing my acceptance letter. I was first introduced to UT (University of Tennessee) through a math and science program. Funny enough these were my two worse subjects. I’m sure someone will read this and say “you didn’t have a bad subject”…. I wish that was the case. I spent two summers on the campus of UT Knoxville trying to enhance my math and science skills. I had no doubt where I wanted to attend college.

Well, I only spent a semester at UT. Most people don’t even remember that part of my story. Do you remember when I said I spent part of the summer in Knoxville? It’s important to note I had not experienced winter in Knoxville. When the little white stuff fell from the sky there was no magic email that class was cancelled. In the Deep South everything shuts down for a snow flake.

Literally as I packed up all my stuff a few days before leaving for school I thought about a winter coat momentarily. I continued to pack. Although I was only there for a semester I met some amazing people and still keep in touch with one of my dear friends I met during orientation. The fall semester I spent at UT was basically a “free” semester. Okay, okay….free is far from reality. In reality I could not afford to remain at UT. Despite having numerous scholarships out of state tuition was no joke. I am a first generation college student so there were no talks about out of state tuition. At the end of the semester I looked at the cost of the upcoming semester. I knew there was no way I could afford it.

 I remember talking to my best friend who encouraged me to join her at Alabama. I didn’t think twice; I applied and was accepted. I also remember feeling defeated initially when I realized I needed to transfer. One Sunday on the way back to school we stopped off of HWY 165 so I could see my aunt before I left. She slipped me a small piece of paper with the Bible verse Proverbs 3:5-6. Instantly this became my favorite verse. There have been many other pivotal moments in life where this same scripture has helped me. 

Let me hop off of memory lane. I am proud that I was raised in a small town. A small town where I was first introduced to the concept of a village or community. I had the privilege to know so many loving and kind people who rooted for my growth, success, and happiness. Some of those people are still rooting for me.

Ok, one more quick story. One evening as I was walking on campus to teach my evening course I received a text message. Long story short, it was my third grade teacher. She had just seen me on the local news and reached out to say she was proud of me. The message quickly uplifted my spirits. She was an instrumental member of my village.

While I’ve been skipping down memory lane this scripture dropped in my spirit: Zechariah 4:10: “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin”. I know typically this scripture focuses on small beginnings pertaining to tasks. However, as I think about this scripture I think about my humble beginnings in the small town of Eufaula, Alabama. A mighty work started not only in me but for many other people as well. As a full-grown adult with a little life experience under my belt I think about what statistics would say about someone like me from a small town in southeast Alabama. I am blessed to say I beat some of the very statistics that I stand before college students to discuss now.

Every once in a while, you need to look back to see how far God has brought you. It also encourages you to remember God has always been faithful.

What small beginnings do you need to reflect on in this moment?

I said “yes”! Please continue reading. This is not an engagement announcement. My apologies for getting you excited. I know some of you have planned my engagement, wedding…..Hold on to those plans just like I’ve asked God to hold onto my husband for a little while longer. LOL (I’m not really ready as I claim to be). More about that later…maybe.

So I’ve been talking about starting a blog for quite some time now. First it started with a small silent thought. Finally, I started to share with some of my close friends. Close friends who said “oh yeah, I’m holding you accountable”. Meanwhile I continued to talk myself out of starting it. I said I couldn’t think of a catchy name. Then I questioned what I would be willing to share through my blog. I wondered if anyone would read it; would it make a difference to anyone. 

Let me recap two quick moments that happened today.

As I worked, I listened to Pastor Jerry Flowers Therapy Thursdays. The next video that was waiting to load for me was “ I Keep Thinking the Worst”. Please check him out. I promise he got someone recording my daily movements. Per usual, he tapped dance all over my poor little toes. 

He poses the question of “what could you do without thinking of the worst case scenario”. As a person who is challenged by anxiety, I am no stranger to worst case scenario. I have a scenario for every letter of the alphabet. These scenarios run commercial free in my mind daily. He mentioned maybe you’re waiting to write the book or simply being obedient to God. 

I automatically started shaking my head. Like “nope…not again”. This is not the first time being an author has come up in some way. It’s funny that as a child I would pretend that I was a best selling author. I’ve always enjoyed writing and missed when life became too hectic to spend quality time writing.

It really is Therapy Thursday….I had a session with my therapist. Last weekend I spent time reading through some of my old journals. I started a quick list to see if there were any common themes that came up over time. I had a journal from as old as 2009 and as recent as 2021. I didn’t get a chance to finish reviewing all my journals. So my therapist asked me what I planned to do differently since I had successfully identified some cycles. Of course I answered I don’t know. Which she politely reminded me was not an acceptable answer in our sessions. I most definitely rolled my eyes. We have that type of relationship at this point. I told her about how last night I posed a question to myself: what would it be like if I lived differently. Throughout the day answers to this question poured onto my notebook. Somewhere in the course of our session I connected what we were discussing to the Therapy Thursday session I listened to. My therapist starts laughing and rocking. When this happens, she’s excited. Often times I’m not, lol. She said you’ve been talking about you want to hear from God. How many different signs will He have to give you before you say yes? She went on to say she could think of several signs from the past couple of weeks.

I responded as honestly as possible. I told her we knew my lack of listening and obedience was at the core of many things. She pressed and asked what I was afraid of. She reassured me that many successful people who are well known for their various reasons were doubtful starting out as well. We wrapped session with the lingering question of when I will say yes.

It’s funny that I’ve thought about the day I would say yes. I know that as a single woman I’m not the only one who has daydreamed about the moment the one asks to spend the rest of His life with me. Let’s keep it really honest….I’ve thought about it too many times to count. 

Yet, here I am not willing to give God my yes. I just keep telling God to find someone else or I’m not ready. I never thought about how important my yes to God would be. I’ve been given NUMEROUS signs and I’m still like “ummmmm….I think that assignment is for someone else”. One thing about God: He’s patient. He’s even reminded me that His time is not like my time and He doesn’t mind waiting. 

I finally said “yes”. As I drove across the city I quietly said “yes”. I have no idea where my yes will lead. I know He has a plan. This may be the only post on my blog or it might be one of hundreds. I can only tell you that I intend to be honest with several dashes of vulnerability. Believe it or not, the planner in me is scared to even promise you when you can expect another post. One of the reasons I initially said no was because I knew it wouldn’t be perfect. I couldn’t be out here in the grammar streets with run on sentences and missing punctuation. That’s not cute…especially not with the way I critique people’s writing. I don’t have an official editor…..yet! I ask that if you have comments you will post them from a loving and positive place.

Allow me to officially introduce you to the Queen’s Quill. 

The Queen’s Quill…..

This year I have been leaning into recognizing myself as a QUEEN. If you happen to see a picture of me wearing a crown you’ll know why… 

Well this Queen happens to have her own pen.

35 years and some change ago I was named after my great grandmother Ms. Equiller Preston. During one of my late night thought sessions I was reminded that the very base of my name is “quill” which is a writing tool.

God gets the glory! What is God asking you to say “yes” to? Let’s see where my yes leads to….

He is the ultimate author!