The Queen’s Quill

I said yes…

July 6th, 2023

I said “yes”! Please continue reading. This is not an engagement announcement. My apologies for getting you excited. I know some of you have planned my engagement, wedding…..Hold on to those plans just like I’ve asked God to hold onto my husband for a little while longer. LOL (I’m not really ready as I claim to be). More about that later…maybe.

So I’ve been talking about starting a blog for quite some time now. First it started with a small silent thought. Finally, I started to share with some of my close friends. Close friends who said “oh yeah, I’m holding you accountable”. Meanwhile I continued to talk myself out of starting it. I said I couldn’t think of a catchy name. Then I questioned what I would be willing to share through my blog. I wondered if anyone would read it; would it make a difference to anyone.

Let me recap two quick moments that happened today.

As I worked, I listened to Pastor Jerry Flowers Therapy Thursdays. The next video that was waiting to load for me was “ I Keep Thinking the Worst”. Please check him out. I promise he got someone recording my daily movements. Per usual, he tapped dance all over my poor little toes.

He poses the question of “what could you do without thinking of the worst case scenario”. As a person who is challenged by anxiety, I am no stranger to worst case scenario. I have a scenario for every letter of the alphabet. These scenarios run commercial free in my mind daily. He mentioned maybe you’re waiting to write the book or simply being obedient to God.

I automatically started shaking my head. Like “nope…not again”. This is not the first time being an author has come up in some way. It’s funny that as a child I would pretend that I was a best selling author. I’ve always enjoyed writing and missed when life became too hectic to spend quality time writing.

It really is Therapy Thursday….I had a session with my therapist. Last weekend I spent time reading through some of my old journals. I started a quick list to see if there were any common themes that came up over time. I had a journal from as old as 2009 and as recent as 2021. I didn’t get a chance to finish reviewing all my journals. So my therapist asked me what I planned to do differently since I had successfully identified some cycles. Of course I answered I don’t know. Which she politely reminded me was not an acceptable answer in our sessions. I most definitely rolled my eyes. We have that type of relationship at this point. I told her about how last night I posed a question to myself: what would it be like if I lived differently. Throughout the day answers to this question poured onto my notebook. Somewhere in the course of our session I connected what we were discussing to the Therapy Thursday session I listened to. My therapist starts laughing and rocking. When this happens, she’s excited. Often times I’m not, lol. She said you’ve been talking about you want to hear from God. How many different signs will He have to give you before you say yes? She went on to say she could think of several signs from the past couple of weeks.

I responded as honestly as possible. I told her we knew my lack of listening and obedience was at the core of many things. She pressed and asked what I was afraid of. She reassured me that many successful people who are well known for their various reasons were doubtful starting out as well. We wrapped session with the lingering question of when I will say yes.

It’s funny that I’ve thought about the day I would say yes. I know that as a single woman I’m not the only one who has daydreamed about the moment the one asks to spend the rest of His life with me. Let’s keep it really honest….I’ve thought about it too many times to count.

Yet, here I am not willing to give God my yes. I just keep telling God to find someone else or I’m not ready. I never thought about how important my yes to God would be. I’ve been given NUMEROUS signs and I’m still like “ummmmm….I think that assignment is for someone else”. One thing about God: He’s patient. He’s even reminded me that His time is not like my time and He doesn’t mind waiting.

I finally said “yes”. As I drove across the city I quietly said “yes”. I have no idea where my yes will lead. I know He has a plan. This may be the only post on my blog or it might be one of hundreds. I can only tell you that I intend to be honest with several dashes of vulnerability. Believe it or not, the planner in me is scared to even promise you when you can expect another post. One of the reasons I initially said no was because I knew it wouldn’t be perfect. I couldn’t be out here in the grammar streets with run on sentences and missing punctuation. That’s not cute…especially not with the way I critique people’s writing. I don’t have an official editor…..yet! I ask that if you have comments you will post them from a loving and positive place.

Allow me to officially introduce you to the Queen’s Quill.

The Queen’s Quill…..

This year I have been leaning into recognizing myself as a QUEEN. If you happen to see a picture of me wearing a crown you’ll know why…

Well this Queen happens to have her own pen.

35 years and some change ago I was named after my great grandmother Ms. Equiller Preston. During one of my late night thought sessions I was reminded that the very base of my name is “quill” which is a writing tool.

God gets the glory! What is God asking you to say “yes” to? Let’s see where my yes leads to….

He is the ultimate author!
Most Likely to Succeed…20 Years Later

May 30th, 2026

In 2006, I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.

Like many 18-year-olds, I thought success was a destination. A city. A degree. A career. A title. A house. A relationship. A collection of accomplishments proving I had arrived.

So I came out of the gate running.

I left Alabama for the University of Tennessee looking for a new identity. Later, I transferred to the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. My major changed. My friends changed. My career plans changed. My life changed.

Twenty years later, I found myself back in Tuscaloosa asking a very different question.

Not “What do I want to become?”

But “Who am I?”

Somewhere along the way, I started preparing for the wrong test.

I thought the exam was about achievement.

Can you build a career?

Can you buy a house?

Can you get the car on the vision board?

Can you survive hard things?

Can you find success?

Then life handed me a different exam booklet.

The house I once prayed for became the house I desperately prayed to sell.

The car on the vision board became the car I can’t currently drive.

Jobs changed.

Titles changed.

Plans changed.

And suddenly I was left with a question none of those things could answer:

Who am I when the labels get quiet?

The answer wasn’t in the next city.

It wasn’t in the next job.

It wasn’t in the next relationship.

It wasn’t in my resume, my social media profile, my credit score, or the opinion of my most recent supervisor.

The answer was in remembering who God says I am.

When I remember who He is and who I am in Him, the pressure comes off.

I don’t have to make every opportunity work.

I don’t have to force every season to last forever.

I don’t have to squeeze my identity out of temporary things.

Twenty years after being voted Most Likely to Succeed, I’m realizing success was never the destination.

Wholeness was.

And maybe the greatest success isn’t becoming someone new.

Maybe it’s remembering who God said you were all along.
Finding Joy in the Gray Space: Anxiety, Nuance, and the Fear of Uncertainty

May 28th, 2026

I’m realizing anxiety has made me see life in extremes.

Success or failure.
Safe or unsafe.
Stable or collapsing.
Chosen or rejected.
Thriving or ruined.

There is very little gray space.

And honestly? Gray space is where most of life actually happens.

Not fully healed.
Not fully broken.
Not fully certain.
Not fully lost.
Not fully arrived.

Just… becoming.

I don’t think I realized how much my nervous system craved certainty until this season of transition. Somewhere along the way, my brain learned that uncertainty meant danger. So instead of sitting with the discomfort of “I don’t know what happens next,” anxiety rushes to fill in the blanks.

Usually with catastrophe.

A delayed email becomes rejection.
Exhaustion becomes failure.
A difficult transition becomes proof that my life is falling apart.
One bad experience becomes “nothing will ever work out.”

Anxiety does not like nuance.

Nuance requires patience.
Nuance requires trust.
Nuance requires sitting in incomplete stories without forcing an ending.

That feels unbearable sometimes.

Especially when you’ve spent years surviving environments that required hypervigilance. When you’ve lived through instability, burnout, disappointment, or chronic stress, your mind starts trying to protect you by simplifying everything into black and white categories. It thinks certainty will keep you safe.

But life keeps teaching me that certainty and peace are not the same thing.

Sometimes I stayed in places too long because they were familiar.
Sometimes I interpreted endurance as strength.
Sometimes I confused survival with purpose.
Sometimes I thought if I just worked harder, anticipated more, planned better, or held everything together tighter, I could prevent discomfort altogether.

But discomfort is part of being human.

And maybe the goal is not to eliminate uncertainty.
Maybe the goal is to stop viewing uncertainty as immediate evidence of failure.

That’s the gray space.

The space where:
something can hurt and still be right.
An ending can be necessary and still be sad.
I can feel overwhelmed and still be capable.
I can rest without being lazy.
I can outgrow something without demonizing it.
I can be deeply grateful for survival while admitting I no longer want to live in survival mode.

That last one hit me hard.

Because for a long time, my identity was built around being capable. Being adaptable. Being the one who could figure it out. The strong one. The resilient one. The one who could carry difficult things and still perform.

But eventually your body starts asking questions your ambition cannot answer.

Questions like:
What kind of life am I actually building?
Why does “success” feel like chronic exhaustion?
What happens if I stop bracing for impact?
Who am I outside of survival mode?

I don’t have all the answers yet.

I’m still learning how to exist in the middle.
Still learning how to tolerate unanswered questions.
Still learning that delayed clarity is not abandonment.
Still learning that my anxious thoughts are not always prophetic warnings.

Sometimes they are just fear looking for certainty.

And maybe joy in the gray space does not look like constant happiness.
Maybe it looks like:
laughing anyway,
resting without guilt,
trusting slowly,
allowing softness,
and believing my life is still unfolding even when I cannot fully see the next chapter yet.

Maybe the gray space is not empty after all.

Maybe it’s where healing begins.
When the Math Stops Mathing: Financial Anxiety, Burnout, and the Shame of “Not Holding It Together”

May 19th, 2026

One thing people don’t talk about enough is the emotional impact of doing “the right things” financially and still struggling.

Saving money.
Being responsible.
Separating accounts.
Planning ahead.
Trying to think long-term.
Avoiding reckless decisions.

And then one day realizing:
the math is no longer mathing.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been navigating the reality of being significantly underemployed while also deeply burned out.

At one point, my annual income dropped by around $24,000.

That changes things.

Not always dramatically at first.
Sometimes slowly.

You start withdrawing from savings.
Moving money around.
Trying to make strategic decisions.
Trying to buy yourself time while also hoping the next opportunity finally stabilizes things.

But eventually reality sets in:
you cannot continuously withdraw without replenishing.

Eventually the accounts get lower.
Eventually the stress grows louder.
Eventually even “responsible people” start feeling scared.

And then comes the mental loop.

Replaying:
“How did I get here?”
Over and over again like somehow the math is mysteriously going to change if you analyze it long enough.

Trying to pinpoint the exact decision.
The exact moment.
The exact turn where things shifted.

Especially high achievers.

Because somewhere along the way we absorbed the message that if we were smart enough, disciplined enough, organized enough, or hardworking enough, we should be able to keep everything together indefinitely.

But life is more complicated than that.

Burnout is expensive.
Transitions are expensive.
Healing is expensive.
Trial and error is expensive.
Learning financial literacy later in life can be expensive.
Trying to rebuild while exhausted can be expensive.

And honestly? Sometimes the options genuinely do feel like they keep hitting walls.

You try one thing.
Then another.
Then another.

You tell yourself:
“Just keep pushing.”
“Just hold it together a little longer.”
“Just survive this season.”

Meanwhile your nervous system is deteriorating under the pressure of trying to emotionally and financially sustain yourself at the same time.

One of the hardest truths for me to accept is that part of my struggle was not simply financial irresponsibility.

Some of it was burnout.
Some of it was lack of guidance.
Some of it was survival mode decision-making.
Some of it was trying to recover from years of emotional exhaustion while still needing to function.

And some of it is simply the reality that many people are struggling financially right now, even the responsible ones.

That realization softened some of my self-judgment.

Because for a long time I carried guilt about not being able to “hold it together” perfectly.

But maybe the goal was never perfection.

Maybe the goal was survival, learning, recalibration, and eventually building a softer, more sustainable life.

I’m still learning.
Still rebuilding.
Still figuring some things out.

But I no longer believe financial struggle automatically means personal failure.

Sometimes it means you’ve been carrying too much for too long without enough support, margin, or rest.

And sometimes the bravest thing a person can do is tell the truth:
“This season has been hard.”
The Strange Grief of No Longer Wanting to Struggle

May 19th, 2026

One of the hardest things to explain is the moment you realize you are tired of surviving.

Not lazy.
Not ungrateful.
Not incapable.

Just…tired.

Tired of always figuring it out.
Tired of carrying everything.
Tired of functioning at high levels while quietly unraveling behind the scenes.
Tired of acting like constant pressure is normal.

I think for a long time I romanticized endurance.

Being “the strong one.”
The capable one.
The adaptable one.
The one who could survive transitions, stress, uncertainty, multiple jobs, financial pressure, emotional disappointments, and still somehow keep moving.

And to be fair, that strength carried me through a lot.

But lately I’ve started noticing something uncomfortable:

I no longer want a life built entirely around resilience.

That realization comes with grief.

Because when survival becomes part of your identity, softness can feel unfamiliar.
Even suspicious.

You start wondering:
Who am I if I’m not constantly overcoming something?
Who am I if life becomes slower?
Safer?
More stable?
More supported?

I’ve spent so much of my adult life taking care of myself that receiving care still catches me off guard.

Someone making sure I eat.
Someone asking if I made it home.
Someone noticing I’m tired before I admit it.
Friends stepping in without me having to perform strength first.

Those things should probably feel ordinary.

But for people who learned early that survival was their responsibility, gentleness can feel deeply emotional.

Lately I’ve realized I don’t actually want a dramatic life.

I want peace.
I want softness.
I want consistency.
I want a home that feels settled.
Work that feels sustainable.
Relationships where I can exhale.
Space to laugh, rest, create, and simply exist without constantly preparing for impact.

And maybe that’s the real transition happening right now.

Not just career changes or location changes.

But the quiet unraveling of the belief that my worth is tied to how much stress I can endure.

Maybe healing looks like learning that I can still be valuable even when I’m resting.

Maybe adulthood is not supposed to feel like emotional triathlon training every day.

Maybe strength is not disappearing.

Maybe strength is finally choosing a life that no longer requires me to stay braced all the time.
Food, Stress, and the Girls Who Learned to Hide

May 19th, 2026

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about food.

Not in a diet culture way.
Not in a “summer body” way.
More in a:
“What does nourishment feel like when your nervous system has spent years in survival mode?” kind of way.

Growing up, I was always small.

And people noticed.

Kids can be cruel, but sometimes adults leave marks too.

I remember always keeping a jacket on. One day a school secretary looked at me and said:
“You’re trying to hide your body.”

I still remember how exposed I felt in that moment.

Then there were the nicknames:
Walking Stick.
Skinny Minnie.
Pippi Longstocking.

A few others not worth mentioning.

People said them casually, jokingly, but when you’re young, comments about your body have a way of settling into your spirit.

Especially when you’re already sensitive.

The truth is, I’ve never been a big eater.

I’m the girl asking for a to-go box before everybody else is halfway done.
The one who eats slowly.
The one with specific preferences.
The one who doesn’t like a lot of spice.
The picker.

And when stress enters the picture?
My appetite is usually the first thing to disappear.

Not intentionally.
Not as control.
Not vanity.

My body just…shuts down.

Over the past few weeks, I realized how much stress I’ve actually been carrying because eating became hard again.

Nothing sounded good.
I would forget to eat.
Or I would know I needed food but feel too overwhelmed to figure out what to make.

It’s strange how emotional nourishment can become.

Lately though, my appetite has slowly been returning.

Not because life suddenly became perfect.
But because care started showing up in small ways.

Home-cooked meals.
Friends asking me what I plan to eat for the day.

Friends asking what can I bring you back.
People making me identify an actual meal plan instead of surviving on caffeine and vibes.

And honestly? Cooking for another person is such an intimate act of care.

Especially when the person is:
a picky eater,
a low-appetite girl,
sensitive,
stressed,
and still learning that she deserves nourishment even when she’s overwhelmed.

There’s something healing about someone remembering:
“She doesn’t like a lot of spice.”
“She probably needs a to-go box.”
“She eats small portions.”
“She still needs to eat anyway.”

For so long, food felt tied to awareness of my body.
To comments.
To stress.
To survival.

But maybe nourishment can also become tied to gentleness.

To safety.
To slowing down.
To laughter over burgers and fries.
To being cared for without criticism.

Maybe healing sometimes looks like your appetite quietly returning after being gone for a while.

Maybe it looks like finally feeling safe enough to be hungry again.
Mental Health Awareness Month: High Functioning Does Not Mean Fine

May 19th, 2026

One of the biggest misconceptions about mental health is the idea that if someone is functioning, they must be okay.

But many people are quietly carrying overwhelming amounts of stress while still showing up every day.

They go to work.
Meet deadlines.
Answer emails.
Care for others.
Smile in meetings.
Pay bills.
Teach classes.
Lead teams.
And then go home completely depleted.

High functioning does not always equal healthy.

Sometimes it simply means someone has become skilled at surviving.

This Mental Health Awareness Month, I’ve been reflecting on what prolonged stress and anxiety can look like when hidden beneath productivity.

For me, anxiety has existed in the background of my life for years. Over time, I became accustomed to overthinking, bracing for problems, and staying mentally prepared for “what if.”

The challenge is that when anxiety becomes familiar, you stop noticing how exhausting it is.

You adapt.
You normalize hypervigilance.
You convince yourself that constantly carrying pressure is just adulthood.

Until one day your body starts asking for a different pace.

Recently I’ve had to admit that exhaustion is not something I can simply outwork.

Not when life includes:
multiple professional responsibilities,
major transitions,
uncertainty,
grief,
emotional labor,
and the constant pressure to keep functioning no matter what.

Mental health conversations often focus on crisis moments, but I think we also need to talk about the quieter warning signs:
difficulty relaxing,
constant overthinking,
feeling emotionally numb,
spiraling thoughts,
guilt around rest,
burnout,
sleep disruption,
and the feeling that your mind never fully powers down.

We also need to normalize seeking support before things become catastrophic.

Therapy.
Rest.
Boundaries.
Medical support.
Time off.
Honest conversations.
Slowing down.

These are not signs of weakness.

They are signs of self-awareness.

This season has reminded me that mental health is not just about whether we are surviving.
It’s about whether we are living in a sustainable way.

And maybe awareness begins with telling the truth:
“I’m functioning, but I’m tired.”
“I’m grateful, but overwhelmed.”
“I’m strong, but I still need support.”

There is strength in honesty.
There is courage in asking for help.
And there is nothing shameful about being human.
🌿 Unscripted Reflections 🌿

September 30th, 2025

These words come as they are—wandering, wondering, and weaving themselves into meaning.

May one of these reflections speak to you at the exact moment you need it.

Instead of creating what I want to see and experience I keep allowing the limiting beliefs to hold me hostage. Why am I not leaning into those moments whenever possible?

Why am I not doing the things that bring me joy consistently?

Why deny myself in that manner?

Literally settling for the doom and gloom rhetoric…

Letting the “rules” keep me in place.

Rules created by others and myself.

Often times my rules were way harsher than others.

Staying power.

We often celebrate staying in a place.

Whether that place is jobs, relationships, other…

Longevity.

There are times that staying isn’t anything to celebrate because it’s hurting you.

As soon as we that 5th red flag, go ahead and get up out of that situation.

I said 5 because you may be like me and just ignore the flags like we’re at Six Flags over Georgia…

I’ve stayed in places too long.

Why?

I worried about how it will look or sound

Feeling like leaving early meant I gave up too quick

Thinking it’s a failure…

Obsessed with quantity over quality.

What if you stayed 14 years but you suffered, lost yourself, got ill, stalled yourself, didn’t enjoy yourself?

Do we still celebrate the longevity?

Just so many rules that my creativity is imprisoned.

Scared to live, to make mistakes…

Yet knowing the gift and talent is there….

In my last threapy session we talked about me remembering to bring my trophy with me. I won! I am winning even when it looks and feel like I’m losing!

Allowing myself to dream without a budget because on faith I know my God can do anything but fail me.

I deserve to live a life of joy. You do too.

Just some random and unscripted thoughts on a Saturday…
November 2023 Running Thoughts & Reflections

September 30th, 2025
✨ Running Thoughts ✨

These are just the unfiltered places my mind wanders. No outline, no agenda—just me capturing the thoughts/reflections as they come.
- We should do one thing that’s scary each day. Ok, that’s a stretch I’m good with one thing a month…it can result in at least 12 new things
- Connections are key
- Count it all joy; where God guides He provides (Isaiah 58:11)
- Part of leadership is getting people to buy into the vision you have
- Don’t let the environment/setting influence how you show up and the efforts you put forward. Whether positioned in a large corner office, a repurposed closet or cubicle. Focus on the fact that you’re in the building. Settings are temporary. Authenticity should not be.
  - A title is just a title. Don’t allow that title to limit your contributions.
  - I’ve been in the nice office with a fancy title. I was miserable. Those walls were silent observers of the tears and frustration. After feeling as if I’ve been abused by the pursuit of leadership roles I said I was done with leadership roles. A friend said, “no; once a leader, always a leader. No matter your title, people will see your innate skills.
- Sisterhood is a powerful thing.
- “Get out and smell the roses”-Ms. Evelyn
- “You could be sitting on generational wealth but you won’t jump off the porch”-My sister Alecia
- How can I be afraid to tell man no for fear of his response, but I boldly tell God “no” or “get someone else”.
- What if being vulnerable is what’s needed in this moment in order to go higher.
- Make the outfit work. You cute! You handsome!
- We are always waiting. Do it now. We always say “oh when xyz is in place…I’ll do it.” But what about the abcdef…..other variables that we don’t even know to account for…
- You filter matters….what filter are you using to cover yourself and this situation?
- We are living for others and not living for ourselves.
- We are living based on a narrative someone else created who doesn’t know your true self
These are just the unfiltered places my mind wanders. No outline, no agenda—just me capturing the thoughts as they come.
Rushing…

September 30th, 2025

Often a man and a woman rush from moment to moment

Attempting to soak up every second together

Rushing as if the sand will run out and they must make the most of this time

Shallow things can not withstand storms. They will be shaken and blown away

But what happens when man and woman stop rushing and stop focusing on “time”

What God brings together in His time no one can unhinge…

What’s rooted with God as the center can stand strong against the storms that will come.

November 2023 Thoughts
Today’s question: What are you waiting for?

September 30th, 2025

This question has come up in some way for the past couple of months.

”Jump off the porch”…..”Just do it”.

These have been the responses and encouragement from friends. This morning in conversation the question “what are you waiting for” came up. Laughingly my boss told me to make sure I post this one.

How many of you have asked God for a sign? “God send me a sign if this is what you want me to do”. 5 signs later and we’re still like “God send me a sign”. Even after all the signs we still go to everyone else for their confirmation, encouragement and validation.

I often say I have delayed obedience. How long can we delay obedience? Why is it that when a random person asks us to do something we instantly agree. We rarely ask any questions. It’s immediate obedience. Yet, when it comes to God we get to bargaining and telling Him under what circumstances we will be obedient.

There is no reason I should be dragging my feet. I should have moved the first time He gave me the assignment.

What’s the thing you know that you know you should be doing? What are you waiting for? We live life with a lot of audacity. We have the audacity to tell God when and how we will do things.

My prayer today is that we will be obedient. That we have a “we get to” attitude when it comes to being obedient to God. We’ve been cleared for take off and we’re just sitting on the run way. Help remove the fear that is preventing you from taking action.

-March 2024